Please e·nun·ci·ate

I have a terrible time with song lyrics. Always have. I don't mean that I don't comprehend the meaning of the lyrics. Generally speaking, that's not the problem. I mean that when I hear an artist SING the song, I can't tell what the words are.

I know I'm not the only one. There were a lot of people who thought that Taylor Swift was singing about Starbucks lovers, not a long list of ex-lovers. 

My friend Adam jokes about there being a "bathroom on the right" when he hears the song "Bad Moon Rising." After watching the movie Clue years ago, my sister Deb thought "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" was "Shake, Bottle the Road."

I love Matt Nathanson. But it took a few listens before I realized he can't stop thinking about the girl in the KINKS shirt, rather than the Girl in the Pink shirt.

Or that song "Do Wah Diddy Diddy"... Yeah, yeah, I get that THOSE are made up words. But the line "I'm hers, she's mine" sounds like "I'm hurt, she's mad" to me. That context matters a lot in terms of a relationship.

My most recent example happened yesterday, when I was driving. Patty Smyth came on the radio. I know the song is titled Warrior, but every time I hear it, I hear, "I am the worrier! Yes, I am the worrier!" Please pass the anxiety medication.

Speaking of which, I'm cooking dinner. Excuse me while I go check on my shook up ramen. Can you believe Def Leppard wrote a song about that?

Craftermath

Speaking of family celebrations, my sisters and I have one that has taken on a life of its own: Craft Night. It started about 10 years ago when my sister invited us over to her house to make gel candles. (These are the ones that supposedly explode. Wait. What? As if a candle wasn't incendiary anyway.) We had a blast. (HA!)

So recently, when my cousin Beth and my great-aunt Betty came to visit, it seemed a perfect opportunity to have Craft Night. After all, scissors + wine = good ideas! Not everything from Craft Night turns out as we hoped (see evidence below), but we always have fun anyway. Here's a snapshot of the aftermath.

Now that Beth is back home, she's decided to share the thrill and start her own Craft Night. Welcome to the dark side, Beth!

Thoughts about naps

I'm going to share a secret with you. If you try to call me on Sunday afternoon, Odds are, I won't answer the phone. I am probably sleeping. Sunday's supposed to be a day of rest. I take this literally.

My eight-year-old self would be horridly disappointed with me. My mother has long been a legendary believer in the power of a good nap. But growing up, I viewed taking naps to be much less desirable than taking a spoonful of medicine (and I HATED NyQuil, so that's saying something).

I went to extreme lengths to avoid having to nap. I got busted more times than I can count for not behaving during nap time (pulling out the trundle bed and using it as a stage to reenact the Donny and Marie Show with my sisters, for example). Plainly speaking, I was a nap delinquent.

My mother said, "Someday, you'll be glad when you can take a nap." Of all the things my mother said when I was a child, this was the one I found most unbelievable. Was she serious? I could only think of all the time that was WASTED as I SLEPT. As in--gone forever! For example, I could have been using my chemistry set to conduct experiments in my laboratory. (Oh, wait, I didn't have a laboratory. I tried, but my parents put the kibosh on that too. Some nonsense about blowing up the house. Too bad; instead of becoming a Nobel prize winning scientist, I am now a writer. I ask you...who got the last laugh?)


I'm not sure when naps became an indulgence rather than a dreaded chore. But here I am and there's no going back.  

And now, I think I could run for office on the sole strength of this platform: Vote for naps! I bet I'd get elected too. I'm Jill Tiefel, and I approved this message.

Candid camera

Since I've been using my new Canon (love it!), my little point-and-shoot probably feels neglected. I don't take the photos off its memory card as often as I used to. So today, when I went to review what's on the card, I laughed hysterically for five minutes. I let my nieces and nephews take pictures with the camera and this was the first time I've actually looked at the results.

Take a peek:

Either my sister was *really* cold or the photographer had unsteady hands!

Some very artistic thighs (no Photoshop needed!)

Daring photojournalism. Going where no photographer has gone before. The church bathroom.

My brother's strong jawline

Tip-pig tournament

I'm at the forefront of a new movement, a new twist on an old game. A sport that I am going to lobby to be part of the next summer Olympics. It's called tip-pig. (It's important to note the name. Tip-Dash-Pig.) For complete rules, please visit the official tip-pig website, where co-founder John explains the game in the most complex possible way. :)

Anyway, it's become a summer tradition to get together for tip-pig, complimented by food, drink, music and a campfire. I was pleased to participate in the festivities again this year. I'd like to state that I actually won one of the rounds of tip-pig!  However, I did not do well enough to win the championship belt. Next year. :)

This picture captured a rare moment: Gary defying gravity.

The winner poses with the trophies.

Official scorekeeper (left) and co-founder (right)

Made in Wisconsin

My casual friendship with wine has blossomed into a serious love affair. I enjoy tasting different varieties and dropping by wineries. One thing I find particularly fascinating is how different people's taste buds vary. According to the Wisconsin Winery Association, there are 36 wineries in our state, so I thought it would be fun to feature Wisconsin-made wines at a wine tasting party. I don't live in Napa Valley, but that surprisingly, that doesn't limit my choices.

Now, I'm no Martha Stewart when it comes to entertaining, but I thought I'd share a few snapshots from the evening.  Here are my invitations. I used my Cricut machine to cut out the shape of the state and then designed the overlay to be printed on vellum. (Cricut, I love thee so!)

In general, when tasting wine, one starts with the sweeter wines and moves towards the dry. Here's the starting point!

Confession: My house is never as clean as when I have a party. I should host a celebratory occasion every month!

Small place cards told attendees the name and location of the winery and also suggested which cheeses may compliment the wine.

I placed half-used taper candles in empty wine bottles for decoration. (After a few minutes, the dripping wax adds a beautiful, imperfect feel to the decor.) 

Can't wait for the next wine tasting occasion! Do you enjoy wine? What can you recommend?

Gremlins

There's no denying that I am a child of the 80s.
Leg warmers and rolling my jeans? Check.
Cabbage Patch Kid? Check.
Bad perms and hair crimping? Check.

It would logically follow that I'd watch classic 80s movies: E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, and of course, Star Wars. Yup, seen 'em. However, during a recent movie discussion with a friend, I said that I'd never seen Gremlins. It seems this admission revealed a serious weakness in my cultural education. We decided to remedy the situation and as the DVD was pushed into the player, I was cautiously optimistic.

But holy bad movie, It. Was. Awful. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I didn't think Gizmo was cute. It couldn't have been more predictable. The acting was incredibly cheesy. In fact, I think I offended my friend with how vehemently I hated it.

I have two questions. First, is there a "tipping point" for a movie like Gremlins? Maybe I would have liked it when I was 12 and now I have irrevocably passed that point when it could be enjoyable. Secondly, have you seen Gremlins? Am I the only person who couldn't stand it?

P.S. Here's hoping the new Muppets movie lives up to my expectations!

Shell Answer Aunt

When I was a kid and I peppered my mother with questions, she would sometimes say, "What do I look like? The Shell Answer Man?"  I've never seen any of those old commercials from the 60s and 70s, but still, I find myself saying the phrase occasionally when I'm exasperated with a barrage of questions from a pint-sized person.

There are times when I don't mind being considered an authority on a subject. Take yesterday, for example. I received a phone call from my eight-year-old nephew Daniel.

"Aunt Jill, I have a Star Wars question. How did Padme Amidala die?"

I thought for a moment and finally arrived at this answer: "She died of a broken heart." (I know, kinda complex for a kid, but how do you say she gave up all desire of living because her husband turned to the dark side and tried choking the life out of her when she was almost nine months pregnant with twins?)

Daniel's response? "Ohhhhh. Luke (his older brother) told me she was hit by a space ice cream truck."

Book sale!

Library book sales shatter my self-discipline. I have to go into the sale with a set amount of cash, sans ATM card or checkbook, otherwise the consequences would be disastrous. I can't rush through the sale either. I have to have enough time to properly look through the stacks of books or I will feel as if I missed something critical.

I am pretty excited about one of my finds at the recent library book sale: The Dictionary of Cultural Literacy. I began to peruse it and couldn't put it down. The book answered questions that I never knew I had. For example, where did the expression "the real McCoy" come from? When can one properly use the phrase "comme il faut?"

This experience reminded me of one of my favorite television shows. Unfortunately, Sports Night only ran for two seasons. The dialogue was sharp, the characters were complex and the humor was pitch perfect. In one episode, Natalie consults the dictionary to confirm the proper usage of "momentarily" and gets hooked.

Natalie: Aha!
Jeremy: What?
Natalie: According to the dictionary, "momentarily" means "both for a moment" and "in a moment."
Jeremy: Well done.
Natalie: "Monad," by the way, is "an elementary individual substance which reflects the order of the world and from which material properties are derived."
Jeremy: Thank you.
And later...
Natalie: "Monestrous" means "experiencing estrous once a year or breeding season."
Will: What's "estrous?"
Natalie: Let's find out.
Jeremy: Give me the dictionary.

Yes, I do have a dictionary-reading obsession. No, please do not schedule an intervention. At least not yet. 

Pet peeves

A student of mine wrote an article about teachers' pet peeves for the school newspaper. I shared the article idea with my family at a gathering and was surprised at the active conversation it sparked. Everyone has some pet peeves. I've noticed that we tend to think that others' pet peeves are ridiculous, yet our own seem to have merit. Would you like to poke fun at some of the lame things that aggravate me? (I've already mentioned my dislike for John Tesh's radio show.) Read on for your chance.

Tina Fey. I know, I know. How can you hate Tina Fey? I don't. I just am tired of seeing publicity shots of her with her eyes rolled. You're going to hate me for mentioning this, because now you're going to see it everywhere. It's just strange. Can't you look into the lens? How hard is that?



The degeneration of the English language due to texting. Ugh. When did it become so hard to actually type "how are you?" Are you really saving that much time typing "How R U" instead? I've heard it said that "LOL" is the ultimate communication filler. Don't know what to say? LOL! Want to be sarcastic? LOL! What happened to the good ol' smiley emoticon? IDK.

Cards and posters with anthropomorphic puppies and kittens. I can't help wondering what the photographer did to this kitty to get this face. There's no way this poor cat is wishing obesity on his feline friends.



The Reply to All button. Here's the deal: this button is never properly used. According to my (non-)scientific observations, approximately 15% of people do not understand the true purpose of this button. For example, if an e-mail is sent to 50 people, eight of them will hit this button and send increasingly meaningless e-mail to the others. No one cares. Abuse. Abuse. Abuse.

What are your pet peeves?

Looking ahead to March

My 2011 calendar lists holidays. Of course, Easter and Christmas appear on the calendar, but I was tickled to discover some lesser known observances. I'm psyched for the coming month, where...

March 1 is Share A Smile Day
March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day
March 26 is Make Your Own Holiday Day

I can't wait to celebrate International Waffle Day on March 25.



I had a laugh out loud moment when I discovered that my birthday is National Panic Day.

So what are you going to do for Make Your Own Holiday Day?

Playlist for the holidays

I love making gift tags or baking Christmas cookies when I'm listening to festive music. It doesn't hurt to have a candle burning either (I'm loving this new fragrance from Yankee Candle. Or, try the amazing Frasier Fir candle from Minnesota company Thymes).

Here are some whimsical, yuletide tunes that are worth a listen:

• Breath of Heaven. Amy Grant's beautiful song that envisions Mary's thoughts and feelings during the first Christmas.
• Silver Bells. Andy Williams does a simply sweet version that makes me want to shop in a charming downtown.
• Up on the Housetop. This song details children's Christmas wishes and American Idol contestant Kimberley Locke did a rollicking version of it.
• O Holy Night. This song captures the peaceful essence of Christmas better than most and it's just gorgeous.
• Sleigh Ride. I haven't heard a bad version of this song, but I like Deborah Gibson's version.
• Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Remember the magic of Christmas as a child? Bruce Springsteen clearly does.
• ANYTHING from A Charlie Brown Christmas. I love everything about Charles Schulz's Peanuts, including the music. "Do they even make wooden Christmas trees anymore?" Classic.
• We Wish You a Merry Christmas. My personal favorite is the version by John Denver and the Muppets: "Did you say Piggy pudding?" 
• Silver and Gold. This is the perfect song to play while decorating the tree during a blizzard when you have no other place to go. Burl Ives' voice is iconic.
• 2000 Miles. I can listen to this song by the Pretenders any time of the year, but it's particularly poignant at Christmas. 

What are your must-listen-to Christmas songs?

Icky songs of the season (revisited)

Last year, I wrote about my least favorite Christmas songs. Recently, I discovered that I omitted a few and in good conscience, I cannot let the travesty stand. Here is my addendum to last year's list.*

• The Chipmunk Song. Here's all I'll say about this one: it's a good thing that Alvin, Simon and Theodore aren't relying on me to purchase that hula hoop for them. (Sort of in the same way that my nieces are relying on me to buy them Bratz dolls.)
• The Chimney Song. San-ta's de-com-pos-ing in my chimney and isn't it CUTE? My rational self always asks, "Where are this kid's parents and why don't they do something about this?" Are they just running around, spraying Lysol to cover up the problem?
• The Christmas Shoes. This represents the cheapest theatrics of the holiday season. It's emotional manipulation, pure and simple. I have perfected the technique of changing the radio station in fewer than three seconds when this dud comes on.
• ANY version of the 12 Days of Christmas--and that including (and especially) parodies. There's only so far jokes can take you when a song isn't that great in the first place.
• Cherry, Cherry Christmas by Neil Diamond. Full disclosure: I am not a Neil Diamond fan, but this song is just...strange. Add in the blatant self-promotion and it's a recipe for holiday nausea.
• Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney. It's fitting that this song--complete with Casio keyboard sound effects--made the list, since John Lennon made the list last year. Is there any redeeming musical value in this song?

I don't want to be a Grinch this holiday season, so tomorrow, I'll post my favorite songs that put me in the mood for shopping, gift wrapping and tree trimming. :)

*If this list is used for evil like last year, you're looking at 2025.

Whew.

I made it. Barely. Check out the aftermath!

Here's my recipe for a full Friday night:
Take 10 giggly girls, add colorful crafts and generous helpings of pizza, soda, chocolate chip cookies and cake. Sprinkle a small, but potent dose of prankster brothers with scary masks for best results.

Crafting with coach

This fall, I coached a fifth and sixth grade volleyball team, so tomorrow, I'm having 10 middle school girls over to my house for craft night. We're celebrating the end of the season. I expect lots of giggling, chatting and squealing. Maybe I should find some earplugs!

As I was thinking about a project to do with the girls, I was reviewing my crafting supplies and recalling how I got started. The blame for my obsession rests primarily on Jen: a Close to My Heart consultant, talented scrapbooker and very dear friend. :) She introduced me to CTMH nearly 10 years ago and their products are among my favorites when it comes to scrapbooking and crafting. I especially love their beautiful coordinating inks (the design of their swivel ink pads is genius) and papers (the best cardstock I've ever used, with a white core).

I'll post an update from craft night tomorrow and let you know if my eardrums are still intact. :)

Mascot week: Special bonus!

Since it's Halloween, my gift to you is a bonus extension of mascot week. I can see young children having night terrors because of this dude's vacant stare! Trick or treat? I'll let you decide.

Mascot week: are you a phan?

This is the world-famous Phillie Phanatic. What happened here? I know he's a baseball tradition, but here's my two cents' worth: he's like a Muppet on steroids with a grudge against Tommy Lasorda. (I guess if a mascot is going to take steroids, it's only fitting that it's a baseball mascot.)

Mascot week: It's time to vote!

It's that time of the year. Our televisions and mailboxes are full of political ads. In fact, my telephone just rang with a campaign call. (I didn't answer.) Maybe you could use a lighthearted look at politics.
Here are the Washington Senators' mascots: Teddy Roosevelt, Abe Lincoln, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. This sports tradition is known as the Presidential Race. They do look very presidential, don't they? :)

Mascot week: World series edition

Time for the fall classic. The San Francisco Giants will battle the American League champion Texas Rangers. The minor league team for the Giants, the Fresno Grizzlies seem to be channeling their inner Berenstein Bear. Their mascot is Parker and he has personality. Read his profile here.





I don't know if this is Parker's girlfriend or Parker himself!

Mascot week: This is how it's done

Since I am a life-long Detroit Tigers fan (like Thomas Magnum, P.I, but without the 'stache), I had to include a picture of Paws. I think he's pretty cute.